Quick Takes


    In 1976, Gerald Ford came up with a great line about Ronald Reagan. Said Ford, “Ron and I have something in common. We both played football. I played for Michigan. Ron played for Warner Brothers.”


    I thought Michigan was the second best team in the country. After watching their performance in the Rose Bowl, now I’m not sure that Michigan is even the second best team in Michigan.


    Boise State’s exciting win over Oklahoma merely speaks to my ongoing belief that the BCS system is terribly flawed. Apparently a small school from a small conference deserves equal consideration for the BCS title game, but the present BCS criteria doesn’t permit such consideration.


    Saddam Hessein obviously was a football fan. His final words were, "Take Ohio State. Lay the points. Florida can’t hang with ‘em!" (Stop booing. I thought it was funny.)


    Being a successful rookie QB in the NFL has to be so difficult. The game is much faster, the players are much better and the defenses are far more sophisticated than college ball. Vince Young did it!


    Sean Salisbury is as knowledgeable a football analyst as there is. And he tells it like it is. The former NFL quarterback can be seen and heard on ESPN television and radio. He is absolutely top-notch. 


    Ohio State’s freshman center Greg Oden is a defensive force. The seven-foot Oden is very athletic. But after watching him play recently, it is obvious that he is very lacking in offensive skills. If he elects to enter the NBA draft next season, he will no doubt be picked very high if not #1. But the kid would be better served to develop as an offensive player before he gets to the NBA. It’s a whole different learning experience way up there.




Story of the Week



    If it’s golf humor you seek, all you need do is follow me around a golf course. I play golf once a year, if that, and it shows. I just try not to hurt anyone when I foul tip the damn ball. I played baseball (fast-pitch softball), flag football and basketball for years when I was younger. I was a good athlete. But I never did enjoy the recreation (I don’t view golf as a sport. See my article of 6-9-05 for details.) of golf. But there is humor in almost everything, and golf is no exception.    


The following portion was sent me by Hank and Audrey Bierman: 


A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"


A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


“Why Golf Is Better Than Sex” From David Letterman's Late Night:


A below par performance is considered good.

You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

You can still make money doing it as a senior.

It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

Foursomes are encouraged.

Three times a day is possible.

Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

If you live in Las Vegas, you can do it every day.

You don't have to pretend you love your partner when you're finished.

If your equipment gets old, you can replace it easily.


Some passages from Bobby Rusher’s very funny book “How To Line Up Your Fourth Putt.”


Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th. hole:

She’s tired of hearing about it.

She knows you’re lying anyway.

She birdied it last week three times.


When to chip from the tee:

When you already lie 6 on that tee.

To show that your power and control are independent of the club you use.


What to do when you’ve parred the course by the 11th. hole:

Adopt an attitude of serenity.

Enjoy the physical beauty around you.

Focus on the peaceful tranquility of golf.

Then break the club across your knee.


    In closing, I would merely point out that David Letterman’s premise is absolutely false. The worst sex is far better than the best golf. And a beautiful woman beats the hell out of a beautiful golf course. Letterman has his priorities; I have mine.


Last Week’s Trivia


    On July 10, 1964, Jesus Alou of the Giants had five singles and a home run in the same game. What made it even more unique is the fact that those six hits came off six different pitchers.


Trivia Question of the Week


    He is the brother of a famous football player. He played 12 seasons in the Canadian Football League before retiring in 2002 as the league's all-time leader in career receptions (972) and second all-time in receiving yards (14,359). During his career, he scored 66 touchdowns, averaged 14.8 yards-per-catch, and played in four Grey Cups, winning twice. Who is he? See next week’s Sports Junkie for the answer.